big fat new year post.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phil. 4:8

It's time to get down some of the stuff that popped in to my head over the last few months and then disappeared somewhere. I wish there was a way for me to blog straight from my brain. That would be helpful. The only time I string together interesting thoughts is when there's nothing to write them on or I'm too lazy to get up and write it down.

The last year was WEIRD. Probably the weirdest of my life. I did some very cool things, did some things I'm not proud of, dealt with some personal isssues, ran directly towards terrible decisions and was surprised when the followed through on their terrible-ness. I held on for dear life to my sanity and felt the intoxicating goodness that comes with light out of the darkness. You might say I lived a little this year.

Christmas day I was driving from my house to my sister's house, and everything was covered in snow, and Emmy Lou Harris was playing, and for no particular reason I was filled with joy. And that's not the only time that's happened recently. There have been lots of those moments lately. God has just reached down and placed joy in my lap out of the blue, and basically says, "Enjoy."

My typical self would wallow around in self pity and sadness during the holidays if I was sans love. But for once in my damn life I have a clearer vision (at least less foggy) of what the hell is worth being sad about - and I have a better perspective on HOW LONG you should be sad about those things. I'm still a self-pitier for sure. But I think I'm changing in very small measures.

I've been given thankfulness so often in the last few months that it's settling in to what I dare say might be a permanent perspective. Life is so surprising and crazy, and there are many beautiful things that come from pain, struggle, defeat, failure, heartbreak, disappointment.

Don't worry I'm not turning in to Sunshine Sally who goes around annoying people with how freaking beautiful life is. But there's also no reason to cling to a negative perspective just to go along with all the other miserable $hits out there.

People and things that I am fortunate to know/have/etc...

My son. There's just too much to say here. I still don't see myself as a mom, but he's uncovered layers of me I didn't know existed. He's LITERALLY the best thing that ever happened to me, and I feel so lucky I get to go through his life with him. He's such an interesting little person, and outside of his sometimes tiresome levels of energy, I love being around him. He's my bestie.

My mom. She's got endless amounts of love, and is way more of a complex human being than I ever let her be, and I'm more like her than I imagined I'd turn out to be. Without her knowing it, she's helped me open up and mature.

My dad. Bless his heart. Three daughters is a stressful lot in life. I'm thankful we are able to communicate and that he takes care of things for me. He's most likely praying fervently for my bridegroom to come along any day now :)

My sisters. Erica & Jess. Having sisters is nuts. They are the women by which all other women are judged, for better or for worse. Erica's got a heart so deep it's surprising. Jess has more patience than Jesus. They both have produced adorable offspring and have nurtured their babies with solid love.

New job. Stressful as hell, mostly because it's a career change. See, this is what I find interesting, there has been so much change going on in my life and I think that's why it's so good - which I never would have imagined. I've always equated stress with change. Which is true, of course. But many of the things I'm most thankful for came about because of a shift in my life. Neat.

New house. It's gonna suck all my money but it's cute and has a huge porch and fabulous backyard view so thank you God.

New friends! That's been one of the most interesting things - I've spent time with new or different people lately and they are rad! I'm a creature of habit so I don't normally just up and hang out with new people out of the blue. But it's FUN. Who knew?

Heartbreak. I know it seems weird to be thankful for this one, but hear me out. The only time I have felt enough inner strength and depth to base a graphic novel off of myself is after I've climbed out from a heartbreaking experience. It shows you your fragility, your misguided notions, your weak constitution, it shows you your human nature. But then, it shows you power. That's amazing. Almost the only way to appreciate the mountain top is to be in the dirty valley. Basically every good story ever told centers in some way around the heart, and don't think for a minute that God didn't plan it that way, brothers and sisters.

Well all this turned out a little more cheesy and a little less creative than it was in my head but whatever. I thought I'd get it out.

joy does come from the Lord, and he gives it to us freely. I don't think we're a bunch of monsters running around secretly wishing to kill eachother, but left to our own devices we frequently find lots of reasons to be unsettled, dissatisfied. That's where I've always gone with things. But He opens my eyes.

If I can get 4 minutes of clarity

I do have much to write about.

Happy New Year Ya'll!

changes

tomorrow i close on my new house. my first house. it's a totally big deal. it's not actually MINE until sunday. e asked me if we could go over there sunday and if he could run around in the yard. i was like, sure - it's our yard on sunday. this is definitely the biggest thing that i've done as a grown up. i'm excited, and trying not to let stress from other areas of my life cause me to miss this moment and be numb to its specialness.

i know for a fact that good things lie ahead, even if i don't know what all of them are...and i feel as though i may be moving towards being more of myself. i've been hiding things, hiding FROM things, afraid of things, ashamed of things. there are only a few people that probably see the real me. and i know that they really like it. i think it may be the best thing for me to pursue true authenticity.

resting

my family drove to mt. zion cemetery this morning, it's south of sigourney iowa, which i didn't even know existed until this morning. my grandma jan has family buried there and we were burying grandpa rick's ashes. he passed away in april. i'm not sure why we did this so many months after he passed away, i didn't bother asking i guess it doesn't really matter. maybe jan just wasn't ready until now. the sky went back and forth between boring grey and beautiful most of the drive.

up until we got to the cemetery i was agitated and not in the proper mindset at all. the drive was taking longer than i expected, which was throwing off the schedule for later in the day. yeah i know, i know. once we found the gravel road that led down to the cemetery, i realized i needed to adjust my head. i was preparing to do so when i looked ahead and saw my grandma jan walking down the road toward us. her red hair, head down, her small frame dressed in black. she had gotten there first and i'm not sure why she was walking, whether to come find us or just walk. either way it was one of the most beautiful and sad things i've seen in a long time. and of course i don't have a picture because both hands were securely on the wheel.

the junk cleared out of my head and heart and i luckily recognized the value of the moment that i was in. driving down a gravel road in the middle of nowhere iowa with family, i knew that this was important and i felt myself breathing slower and feeling priveleged. special for being one of a few in this very real moment, miles away from the things bringing me stress or pain

i parked the car, got out and turned around. and this is where my grandpa is buried.

quiet, peaceful, the fields go right up in to the sky. i gotta say that at this point i was starting to envy grandpa. and then, THEN, i saw THIS guy.

you gotta be kidding me. i'm going to be standing by my grandpa's grave in the middle of a gorgeous iowa countryside on a blustery fall day with bagpipes. sure. prepared for chest explosion.

once everyone got there, my dad read some verses and said a prayer, and my grandma read something she wrote. it described the moment my grandpa died and how much she missed him.

there's not much else i can say. the piper played amazing grace and it started to spit cold rain on us, and when jan started sobbing, erich took off his boy scouts kerchief and gave it to her. then he cried, too.

i felt something between anger and amazement at the amount of emotion we are capable of feeling, and the fact that experiences like this even exist. maybe the anger part is just because i've been feeling too much lately and would like to numb out a little bit, not care about anything or anyone for a while.

my whole family is standing around, each of us with our own set of worries and heartaches, and his soul gets to be at rest. he's getting the answers. amazing how we were standing two feet away from his ashes but could not have been further from him.

old pictures of god knows who in the chapel

answers

i have found myself thinking lately about what i don't know. there are so many times in my life when i have felt in the dark. left out, isolated, shut out, etc. i can't count the number of hours i have spent WONDERING. fully convinced that if i knew what was said or what act was committed in the moments when i was not present, i could feel more at peace with the state of things. that i would somehow feel less powerless over my circumstances. maybe it's that i don't have many secrets of my own. sure there are the typical embarrassing or shameful things i've done in the process of learning my lessons the hard way. but nothing that would look good on the cover of a tabloid. and nothing (that i know of) that could help shed light on the questions someone else on this planet might be asking.

it boils down to me either wanting to belong or wanting to feel like less of a fool. when you realize you have been deceived or lied to, or even just blind to the obvious, it feels like you're just a pawn in someone's game. but i have no game myself. there have of course been moments where i've considered becoming deceitful and misleading to others - just to have my own secrets. maybe then i'd get a taste of whatever those folks are going for when they do it to others. but in the end i don't have the energy. so i'm left just wondering...all the minutes and hours and days that people wander around this planet, DOING THINGS. kind of blows my mind. it's a full time job just trying not to lose faith in people when you know the potential secrets they could be carrying around with them.

so would it really help? would anything change or would i have any more peace of mind about ANYTHING if i knew what had been kept from me?

also, omg my kid just used some yarn to hook up this k'nex doon buggy thing to my cat's collar and she is running around the apartment trying to get it off. it's banging in to the walls and wrapping around the legs of chairs and she is wigging out. she just hid under the bed and the doon buggy is sticking out from under the bed skirt. poor cat.

i love you tony

in honor of my favorite blogger, tony pierce, i am finally writing again to get my creative or non creative juices flowing. very interesting week i've had. full of heat. and thoughts. getting closer to an idea of what i really want - on many fronts. i went to a bar tonight and watched people dance salsa. discussed with my bff about how men in america think it's femme or non-masculine or something to dance like that. we both agreed that there is nothing better than stepping out on to a dance floor and having a man take your body and make it DO THINGS. it's wonderful. every country but our own has a very different idea of intimacy/romance/sexuality. future move to spain may be necessary.

peace out.

momma

first things first, i must issue a public apology to you because i didn't do crap on mother's day except show up. i know in the end it's not about things, but you deserve more. so i'm sorry. i guess i get used to not expecting things and i get lazy and i don't take the time to make efforts.

the day i found out i was pregnant, i was terrified. i couldn't even wrap my head around how my life was going to change. i was so scared, and almost certain that i had no business bringing a child in to the world. i knew you guys didn't think i was perfect, but i was still a little ashamed that i hadn't been more careful, and that i had gone about becoming a parent in a somewhat nonchalant manner. you and dad were young when you had us and i knew it was a struggle for you, so i saw some obstacles going up in my life that i had never imagined. but i knew you guys would be supportive.

what i didn't know was how happy you would be. you didn't give two shits that i was an unwed, 21 year old college junior who just got pregnant with a guy you didn't even know. i know that you felt a certain amount of apprehension for me because you yourself had been a young mother and you knew the struggles i would face and the sacrifices i would have to make. even to this day you probably still deal with some of the results of the sacrifices you had to make while raising us. but in your eyes you saw nothing else besides a baby that was part of me, and so also part of you, and dad, and all of us.

you never made me feel like i couldn't do it. you constantly encouraged me and never let on like this was going to be too much for me, or that i had been foolish or that i should be ashamed. you weren't angry, you weren't self righteous, you weren't judgmental. and when my boy came you loved him more than any damn grandma ever loved her grandson.

you've never judged me. you always let me be the kid i was. i always felt like you saw my gifts and my uniqueness and that you loved it. i'm sure at times you may have thought that my life would be easier if i just did this or that, or that i was missing out for not trying or doing something. but when i look back over the years, there's not a single moment that stands out in my memory where i felt like i was anything less than you wanted me to be. even when you were encouraging me to be more.

i know we've had our share of arguments over the years, we don't always see eye to eye. but you can pat yourself on the back because it was by your example that i became such an opinionated, outspoken woman. sometimes we are so different. but i think more times than not, we are alike. only now as a mom can i understand why parents do what they do. and only now as a mom can i begin to see how much love is possible for your child. and how nothing you ever do or say has harmful intentions. delivery is important - that's probably what we fuss at each other the most about. but in the end i know how much you love me and how much faith you have in me.

you're so beautiful, mom. and so cool. i'm sure i don't even know all the ways your path has turned in order to provide for us. you always show your convictions to us girls and always have a word of hope or faith or even admonition if that's what we need. thank you so much for being such a wonderful mother, and making all the hard choices along the way that made our lives wonderful. as i look to the years of parenting ahead of me, i understand what a gift great parents are to their children, and i feel so fortunate.